Easy as 1, 2, 3...

Wednesday, April 28th, 2010

Ughhhh. So apparently exam week isn't the best time to pick up chicks. Yet again, Rec Center Girl was a no-show (and I've been waking up everyday for the last five months at 5:45 a.m. for what exactly?). I'm going to assume that she wants me SO badly that it just kills her to see me every morning. That's gotta be it... Anyway, I've decided that tonight's blog is going to focus on what I like to call the "7 Steps to Achieving a Woman" (nowadays, I always associate 'achieving something' with achieving an erection - damn you, Viagra!). Let's get started.

7 Steps to Achieving a Woman

Step 1: Identify a Woman
Make sure she's a woman. If unsure, it's best to find another.

Step 2: Make Eye Contact
But don't stare - it only makes you look like a perv.

Step 3: Slight Wave
Keep it subtle. Make it so she can't tell if you really waved or not. If she digs you, she'll wave back. If not, you can just act like you weren't waving. (In the event of a 'no-wave' return to Step 1)

Optional Step 3A: Wink
The wink can be a very powerful lady-gathering tool. If you're feeling lucky: look her in the eye, wink, and walk away. Simple as that (just don't make her think you've got something in your eye - unless she's an optometrist, and there's nothing kinkier than an optometrist).

Step 4: Say "Hey"
Make sure your voice doesn't crack, or you'll look like a puss whose balls haven't dropped.

Step 5: Small Talk
Ask her about herself. Where is she from? What is her major? Just keep the focus on her. The point of all this is to dupe her into thinking you really care about her interests. As if...

Step 6: Discuss Her Interests
After engaging in some small talk, you should have a decent idea of what crap this girl is into. Maybe it's the typical bologna like Habitat for Humanity or Heifer International (you know who you are [you couldn't see it, but I totally just winked]), or maybe, if you're lucky, she'll be into much more interesting things like shopping, fashion, and puppies. Once again, you want her to believe you really, really dig her.

Step 7: Ask Her Out
Now's the big moment; time to put on your big girl panties (super elastic waistband optional).

Ummm, so I've never really done any of the things mentioned above (-3 remember) and don't really know what to do next. That's where you, the reader come in. Comment about what you'd do next and/or differently (and you don't have to be entirely serious, have some fun).

I'll wrap things up with a true story that takes place earlier tonight. Alright, so I'm sitting on the toilet with my laptop in my lap, and I guess because I was typing on my laptop I cut off the circulation to both my legs. At the time, I unaware of this fact, but as I stood up to put my computer down, I fall to the floor and sprain my left ankle. Apparently, it's really hard to stand when both of your legs are asleep. I've never felt more hopeless in my life. For those adventure-seekers out there, I recommend you try this - it's insane.

Tomorrow night I'm going to a concert - "Potential Progressions" abound! Wish me luck (or don't if you're an ass).

- JJ