Runner Girls

Saturday, May 1st, 2010

My apologies for the brief hiatus. Well, Thursday night's concert was a terrible bust. Awkward John to the max. Here I was surrounded by hundreds of girls (did I mention they were Samford girls?), and I totally pussed out and sat away from the crowd. Zero progress made that night. However, yesterday I came up with an ingenious idea to approach a girl. Ok, so I was prowling one of the academic buildings when I noticed this brunette cutie wearing some gray Toms. I also own a pair of gray Toms; however, I was not wearing them. Now here's my plan, from here on out I will keep these Toms in my bookbag so that in the chance I see here again, I can put on the shoes and go up to her and say, "Excuse me. So am I wearing women's shoes, or are you wearing men's shoes?" What a great way to start a conversation. I figured that after about 13 seconds of that we'd be making out. Seems foolproof enough to me. Don't be surprised if the number of women wearing gray Toms skyrockets after this.
Let's now get into Friday's edition of:

Potential Progressions

Directions Woman: over 50, wrinkly, unattractive, foreign; this woman (Kenya maybe) comes up to me as we're about to cross 14th Street and asks me for help in finding 1400 University Blvd. I looked her up and down and found nothing physically attractive, but my penis told me otherwise. Not knowing which building that address corresponded to, I told her I'd walk with her to help her find it. As we cross the street, I look up at Heritage Hall and see the first three numbers of the address: 140. Assuming this was 1400 University Blvd, I sent the woman into the building and told her to take the elevator up to the 4th floor. Feeling proud (but at the same time stupid for not getting her digits), I continued on my way. Seconds later, I look up and see the remaining address number: 1. I look across the street - 1400 University Blvd. Damn.
RESULT: EHHHH.....

Runner Girls: athletic, majority were nipping, college-aged; Alright, so here I am at the Dollars for Scholars 5K/10K surrounded by hundreds of women in tank tops and running shorts (and the occasional spandex). What I had planned to do was wait until after the race started to find a hottie running solo and saying something smooth, such as "Wanna be running buddies?" But as is always the case with me: shoulda, woulda, coulda. I'm still kicking myself for not trying something. Worse case, she says no, and I run up and try it on the next girl. "Are you tired? Cause you've been running through my mind allllll day, baby."
RESULT: OPPORTUNITY LOST

I mean, if I came up to you and said something like "John Murray wants YOU", would you say no?


Notice the woman behind me to the right - she wants it bad. And so does the black guy.

Boy, I really need to start progessing, I'd say I've regressed since Monday night's Car-Next-To-Me Girl. As my good friend Josh tells me, "Gotta keep taking chances." Also, there's a high probability I'll run into Not-Gay-But-Totally-Queer Guy today at the baseball fields (hope he brought some tissues this time [insert winky face]).

Let's conclude this post with a brief story from work. Yesterday a little kid peed on the brick wall surrounding the playground. Though it was obvious he did it, he blamed it on a dog. Based on the projection pattern of the urine, we're talking about a massive, 10 foot dog. To the perp's dismay, none of the other kids had seen this beast come pee on the wall minutes earlier. He's banned from the playground for the rest of his adolescent life.

Ladies beware: April progressions, bring May indiscretions.

- JJ