Wednesday, April 28th, 2010
Ughhhh. So apparently exam week isn't the best time to pick up chicks. Yet again, Rec Center Girl was a no-show (and I've been waking up everyday for the last five months at 5:45 a.m. for what exactly?). I'm going to assume that she wants me SO badly that it just kills her to see me every morning. That's gotta be it... Anyway, I've decided that tonight's blog is going to focus on what I like to call the "7 Steps to Achieving a Woman" (nowadays, I always associate 'achieving something' with achieving an erection - damn you, Viagra!). Let's get started.
7 Steps to Achieving a Woman
Step 1: Identify a Woman
Make sure she's a woman. If unsure, it's best to find another.
Step 2: Make Eye Contact
But don't stare - it only makes you look like a perv.
Step 3: Slight Wave
Keep it subtle. Make it so she can't tell if you really waved or not. If she digs you, she'll wave back. If not, you can just act like you weren't waving. (In the event of a 'no-wave' return to Step 1)
Optional Step 3A: Wink
The wink can be a very powerful lady-gathering tool. If you're feeling lucky: look her in the eye, wink, and walk away. Simple as that (just don't make her think you've got something in your eye - unless she's an optometrist, and there's nothing kinkier than an optometrist).
Step 4: Say "Hey"
Make sure your voice doesn't crack, or you'll look like a puss whose balls haven't dropped.
Step 5: Small Talk
Ask her about herself. Where is she from? What is her major? Just keep the focus on her. The point of all this is to dupe her into thinking you really care about her interests. As if...
Step 6: Discuss Her Interests
After engaging in some small talk, you should have a decent idea of what crap this girl is into. Maybe it's the typical bologna like Habitat for Humanity or Heifer International (you know who you are [you couldn't see it, but I totally just winked]), or maybe, if you're lucky, she'll be into much more interesting things like shopping, fashion, and puppies. Once again, you want her to believe you really, really dig her.
Step 7: Ask Her Out
Now's the big moment; time to put on your big girl panties (super elastic waistband optional).
Ummm, so I've never really done any of the things mentioned above (-3 remember) and don't really know what to do next. That's where you, the reader come in. Comment about what you'd do next and/or differently (and you don't have to be entirely serious, have some fun).
I'll wrap things up with a true story that takes place earlier tonight. Alright, so I'm sitting on the toilet with my laptop in my lap, and I guess because I was typing on my laptop I cut off the circulation to both my legs. At the time, I unaware of this fact, but as I stood up to put my computer down, I fall to the floor and sprain my left ankle. Apparently, it's really hard to stand when both of your legs are asleep. I've never felt more hopeless in my life. For those adventure-seekers out there, I recommend you try this - it's insane.
Tomorrow night I'm going to a concert - "Potential Progressions" abound! Wish me luck (or don't if you're an ass).
- JJ
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Gay?
Tuesday, April 27th, 2010
Greetings. So for the most part, today was uneventful: Rec Center Girl wasn't at the rec center this morning, and it was a 'dead day' today at UAB so there weren't too many people around. However, that doesn't mean nothing happened. Today's "Potential Progression" will feature (brace yourself) a... MAN! That's right, a dude with a dick. He claimed to not be gay, but as you'll see, he ain't foolin' nobody. But before we get into that, I have one more story. Earlier today, I was crossing University Blvd. and as I passed these two mildly attractive females, one girl turned to the other and said (I swear on my life), "I really need to take a shit." Now if that doesn't get your penis hard, I don't know what will. With that said, let's get into today's:
Potential Progression
Not-Gay-but-Totally-Queer Guy: male, fashionable, feminine, extremely gay-looking, did I mention he was a dude? Alright so here's the rundown: I went over to West Homewood to watch my brother play baseball, and when I get to the stands I see my mom talking with this man. I indirectly knew the man from some previous occasions and was 99.99999% positive he was gay. Here's a word-for-word exchange between the three of us...
Mom: This is my son, John.
Man: Oh what a good-looking dude. (I must have blushed)
Mom: And he's available.
Man: (with hint of flirty sarcasm) Oh, I'm not gay, honey.
Me: [insert awkward chuckle]
Right after that, Mom tells me that she has brought me a Twix. After hearing mom say this, the man grabs my wrists and puts my arms behind my back and says, "Oh that's my Twix! Give it to me!" I'm not positive, but I'm guessing he's into BDSM (for the normal people out there that's Bondage, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, and Masochism). After freeing myself from his girly grip (think limp wrists), the three of us went up into the stands to watch the game. Let's just say he was really interested in my life and interests. After about fifteen minutes, I had to go. When I got up to leave, he looked at me and said, "Be good now." Without skipping a beat, I turned to him and mouthed, "I'm bad." I'm no psychic, but I'm pretty confident he creamed his pants.
Looking back, I guess it's a good thing that some people (ok, more like some guys) think I'm attractive. That's all I have to say - don't want people getting the wrong idea about my orientation.
RESULT: SHAME
This experience made me ask myself, "John, who would you go gay for?" My answer: David Bromstad. If you don't know David, he's the host of HGTV's ColorSplash. Google him, but you've been warned - he's "thuper hawt!" My question for the readers is who would you go gay (or straight) for? Brad Pitt is not an acceptable answer.
Thanks for reading,
- JJ
Greetings. So for the most part, today was uneventful: Rec Center Girl wasn't at the rec center this morning, and it was a 'dead day' today at UAB so there weren't too many people around. However, that doesn't mean nothing happened. Today's "Potential Progression" will feature (brace yourself) a... MAN! That's right, a dude with a dick. He claimed to not be gay, but as you'll see, he ain't foolin' nobody. But before we get into that, I have one more story. Earlier today, I was crossing University Blvd. and as I passed these two mildly attractive females, one girl turned to the other and said (I swear on my life), "I really need to take a shit." Now if that doesn't get your penis hard, I don't know what will. With that said, let's get into today's:
Potential Progression
Not-Gay-but-Totally-Queer Guy: male, fashionable, feminine, extremely gay-looking, did I mention he was a dude? Alright so here's the rundown: I went over to West Homewood to watch my brother play baseball, and when I get to the stands I see my mom talking with this man. I indirectly knew the man from some previous occasions and was 99.99999% positive he was gay. Here's a word-for-word exchange between the three of us...
Mom: This is my son, John.
Man: Oh what a good-looking dude. (I must have blushed)
Mom: And he's available.
Man: (with hint of flirty sarcasm) Oh, I'm not gay, honey.
Me: [insert awkward chuckle]
Right after that, Mom tells me that she has brought me a Twix. After hearing mom say this, the man grabs my wrists and puts my arms behind my back and says, "Oh that's my Twix! Give it to me!" I'm not positive, but I'm guessing he's into BDSM (for the normal people out there that's Bondage, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, and Masochism). After freeing myself from his girly grip (think limp wrists), the three of us went up into the stands to watch the game. Let's just say he was really interested in my life and interests. After about fifteen minutes, I had to go. When I got up to leave, he looked at me and said, "Be good now." Without skipping a beat, I turned to him and mouthed, "I'm bad." I'm no psychic, but I'm pretty confident he creamed his pants.
Looking back, I guess it's a good thing that some people (ok, more like some guys) think I'm attractive. That's all I have to say - don't want people getting the wrong idea about my orientation.
RESULT: SHAME
This experience made me ask myself, "John, who would you go gay for?" My answer: David Bromstad. If you don't know David, he's the host of HGTV's ColorSplash. Google him, but you've been warned - he's "thuper hawt!" My question for the readers is who would you go gay (or straight) for? Brad Pitt is not an acceptable answer.
Thanks for reading,
- JJ
Monday, April 26, 2010
Elevator Girl!
Monday, April 26th, 2010
Just when I thought this morning's "Potential Progressions" couldn't get any better, I had two - count 'em TWO - more encounters. Granted, nothing came out of them, but they make for some bitchin' stories (to my invisible friend at least). Anyway here's today's most recent...
Potential Progressions
Elevator Girl - brunette, smart (supposedly), nice bod, maybe older (like 23ish); So basically, life was finally giving me a break when this girl got on the same elevator with me this afternoon. As soon as she saw me she started talking to me. Of course, being the dude I am, I resorted to simple one-word responses ("yeah", "nice", etc.) and the conversation basically went to hell. Little did I know that this wouldn't be my only chance. See we had class later that day, and during my group's presentation, I looked over and noticed her staring (yes, staring) right at me. When we made eye-contact she smiled (booyah!). Later, during a pizza break (that's right, pizza break), she came over and told me I did a good job presenting and whatnot. Once again, I ran into the nearest phone booth, transformed into Captain Awkward, and said something like "Thanks" and walked away. FML... Looking back, I definitely should've put more effort into the 'small talk.' Chance blown and to make matters worse that was the class's last meeting so I won't see her again till Fall.
RESULT: EPIC FAIL
Car-Next-to-Me Girl - blond, cute face, thin, possibly under 18; This is my favorite "Potential Progressions" thus far. I'm waiting at the intersection of Lakeshore and W. Oxmoor for the light to turn when I notice that this girl in the car next to me was smiling at me. This was probably due to my sweet dance/singing skills. Anyway, I looked over, saw she was cute, and waved. Now get this, she waved back! We giggled (no homo) at each other for maybe the next 20 seconds before the car she was in turned. We gave each other once last wave, and she rode away into the darkness. I did not drive after her. Looking back, maybe I should've said something to her. Asked for her number? Given her mine? Do people really do things like that? Let me know.
RESULT: PROGRESS!! (I actually had the ganas to wave)
*Car-Next-To-Me Girl, if you ever read this please do not hesitate to call me.
Now that I'm home, I'm guessing that's it for today. Looking ahead, I'm hoping to get to see Rec Center Girl tomorrow morning at the rec (where else). I've totally had a crush on her all semester and one of these days I'm gonna get past the "Can I have a basketball, please?" phase and chat her up. Just like that.
Keep it real,
- JJ
Just when I thought this morning's "Potential Progressions" couldn't get any better, I had two - count 'em TWO - more encounters. Granted, nothing came out of them, but they make for some bitchin' stories (to my invisible friend at least). Anyway here's today's most recent...
Potential Progressions
Elevator Girl - brunette, smart (supposedly), nice bod, maybe older (like 23ish); So basically, life was finally giving me a break when this girl got on the same elevator with me this afternoon. As soon as she saw me she started talking to me. Of course, being the dude I am, I resorted to simple one-word responses ("yeah", "nice", etc.) and the conversation basically went to hell. Little did I know that this wouldn't be my only chance. See we had class later that day, and during my group's presentation, I looked over and noticed her staring (yes, staring) right at me. When we made eye-contact she smiled (booyah!). Later, during a pizza break (that's right, pizza break), she came over and told me I did a good job presenting and whatnot. Once again, I ran into the nearest phone booth, transformed into Captain Awkward, and said something like "Thanks" and walked away. FML... Looking back, I definitely should've put more effort into the 'small talk.' Chance blown and to make matters worse that was the class's last meeting so I won't see her again till Fall.
RESULT: EPIC FAIL
Car-Next-to-Me Girl - blond, cute face, thin, possibly under 18; This is my favorite "Potential Progressions" thus far. I'm waiting at the intersection of Lakeshore and W. Oxmoor for the light to turn when I notice that this girl in the car next to me was smiling at me. This was probably due to my sweet dance/singing skills. Anyway, I looked over, saw she was cute, and waved. Now get this, she waved back! We giggled (no homo) at each other for maybe the next 20 seconds before the car she was in turned. We gave each other once last wave, and she rode away into the darkness. I did not drive after her. Looking back, maybe I should've said something to her. Asked for her number? Given her mine? Do people really do things like that? Let me know.
RESULT: PROGRESS!! (I actually had the ganas to wave)
*Car-Next-To-Me Girl, if you ever read this please do not hesitate to call me.
Now that I'm home, I'm guessing that's it for today. Looking ahead, I'm hoping to get to see Rec Center Girl tomorrow morning at the rec (where else). I've totally had a crush on her all semester and one of these days I'm gonna get past the "Can I have a basketball, please?" phase and chat her up. Just like that.
Keep it real,
- JJ
First Post
Monday, April 26th, 2010
So a friend of mine suggested I make a blog to detail my progress in becoming more competent around women (like that'll ever happen). As of today, I would rate myself, on a scale of 1 to 10 (with 1 being awkward freak and 10 being certified lady's man) somewhere around -3. In high school, I was said to be "afraid of girls." As much as I hate that expression, it's kinda true. I am terrified of interacting with random women. Why? Elephino. (What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino...) Honestly, I think if I was a little more sociable, the ladies would LOVE me. I think I have a lot to offer: intelligence, romantic tendencies, a rockin' hard bod, sophistication, humor, wit, sympathy, beautiful curly brown hair, a bright and successful future, the list goes on and on...
I'm thinking that with each blog, I'll include a section detailing my "Potential Progressions." These are my daily encounters with girls that I should (key word should) attempt to make some sort of connection with - though as you will see, I don't.
Today's Potential Progressions
Treadmill Girl - dirty blond hair, great tan complexion, athletic body; I was running on the treadmill next to her, gave her some looks every now and then, don't think she noticed. Looking back, should've pulled a Michael (Jason Bateman) from Arrested Development and said, "Wanna race?" Maybe next time (highly unlikely).
RESULT: FAIL
Two Girls in Caf - brunettes, maybe artsy, modestly dressed, freshmen; so these two girls sat behind me while I was reading the WSJ in the caf, texted Josh for some pointers - he didn't answer - so I blame him. Looking back, should've tried something clever like gone over to their table and said something like, "Is this seat taken?" Damn hindsight.
RESULT: DOUBLE FAIL
So that basically sums up where I currently am. Nowhere. That's all for this post. If you want, leave me some advice in the comments box.
Smell you later
- JJ
So a friend of mine suggested I make a blog to detail my progress in becoming more competent around women (like that'll ever happen). As of today, I would rate myself, on a scale of 1 to 10 (with 1 being awkward freak and 10 being certified lady's man) somewhere around -3. In high school, I was said to be "afraid of girls." As much as I hate that expression, it's kinda true. I am terrified of interacting with random women. Why? Elephino. (What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino...) Honestly, I think if I was a little more sociable, the ladies would LOVE me. I think I have a lot to offer: intelligence, romantic tendencies, a rockin' hard bod, sophistication, humor, wit, sympathy, beautiful curly brown hair, a bright and successful future, the list goes on and on...
I'm thinking that with each blog, I'll include a section detailing my "Potential Progressions." These are my daily encounters with girls that I should (key word should) attempt to make some sort of connection with - though as you will see, I don't.
Today's Potential Progressions
Treadmill Girl - dirty blond hair, great tan complexion, athletic body; I was running on the treadmill next to her, gave her some looks every now and then, don't think she noticed. Looking back, should've pulled a Michael (Jason Bateman) from Arrested Development and said, "Wanna race?" Maybe next time (highly unlikely).
RESULT: FAIL
Two Girls in Caf - brunettes, maybe artsy, modestly dressed, freshmen; so these two girls sat behind me while I was reading the WSJ in the caf, texted Josh for some pointers - he didn't answer - so I blame him. Looking back, should've tried something clever like gone over to their table and said something like, "Is this seat taken?" Damn hindsight.
RESULT: DOUBLE FAIL
So that basically sums up where I currently am. Nowhere. That's all for this post. If you want, leave me some advice in the comments box.
Smell you later
- JJ
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